Our Gentle Sin
by fuzzydream archive
Summary: "If we have to leave here, if we have to leave the country, we are going to be together." AU from S2E6.
1. Prologue

_A/N: A very short prologue to start things with. Not really a prologue - Chapter 1 is actually in 1918. But all will be revealed - promise! Would love to know your thoughts - I've been planning this for ages, and feedback would be great! Thanks Terrie for editing!_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey._

* * *

 _Our Gentle Sin_

* * *

 _Prologue_

October 1921

The door was heavy against his hands, and he pushed it open; amidst his tormented thoughts, he had forgotten his cane at home. The storm outside can still be heard within these confined, thick walls, and his steps left a trace on the floor. The church was silent; he vaguely realised just how far he must have walked to get here. He had never been to this church before; rather, he couldn't remember the last time he had been to a Catholic Church.

John took a deep breath. He still knew how to pray. He was never much of a man of faith, but she changed him. And for Anna, he would do anything. If there was nothing he could do for her at home, then this wouldn't be for naught. He was desperate. Religion had never given him reason to believe, but now he desperately wanted to. He needed to. For her. For them.

There were some candles lit up as he walked to a nearby bench. He sat and watched, though his mind wasn't registering anything. He prayed for her. He couldn't shake off the image of her tears, of her cries. More than ever, he wanted her to be happy and to be at peace. She had stood by him through everything, and he was desperate to do the same for her now. Except that now he didn't know if he would ever have the chance to do it.

Perhaps his words didn't make much sense, but it was all he could do now. A few minutes later, movement from the corridor on the left caught his attention as he saw a young woman leaving. Then he saw it - the confessional. His throat felt tight and dry as he remembered Anna's suffering. He hadn't confessed since he was a boy.

He had sinned. He had sinned endless times since he last confessed, he knew of that. And recently, even more endless times. He remembered Anna's words; how their love for each other was greater than any religion. He let her become his, numerous times, again and again, and he gave himself to her in return. Perhaps that was his biggest sin to date - perhaps it would always be.

But he couldn't regret it. He couldn't regret loving her as he did - no man would regret loving as he had loved her. And perhaps that wasn't enough for a confession. Perhaps that wasn't enough for some guidance. But in a foreign country, with their friends across the ocean and only counting on each other, he needed to try. He would try anything until she was safe and happy. Even if it meant distancing himself from her.

He entered the booth quietly, stepping hard on his right leg, but he paid no attention to it. The priest greeted him, and he took a deep breath. He made the Sign of the Cross and spoke in a low whisper.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N: I know the prologue was short, but I assure you - this is where the story starts! It changes up a few things in S2E6, so those will of course change their whole path. I'll reply to the reviews soon, promise! And please, let me know your thoughts - I know this idea has been - sort of - done before, but never from this point in the story. I don't really know how many chapters the story will have, but it will definitely follow them for a few years, starting now. Thanks so much for reading!_

* * *

 _Chapter 1_

 _November 1918_

Anna found him seated by the crates after dinner, his face pensive; a thin line formed on her lips as she realised that he was brooding again. She couldn't blame him now, not really. They had little options. Almost none, even. With the decree nisi withdrawn by the judge, he was still as married as he had been on the day they met. His divorce never seemed as far away as it was now.

But Mr Bates smiled ever so slightly when he saw her, and when she sat beside him and took his hand, his warmth enveloped her cold fingers. Noticing this, he took both her hands in his to warm them up. A sudden sense of sadness overtook her; it seemed almost impossible that they could have small moments such as this between them. Everything they did now was tainted in a way. She couldn't have him, not until that woman could take back any divorce proceedings. He might be hers in their hearts, but he wasn't hers in any other way.

And perhaps his mind was at the same place as hers, for he didn't speak for a long time.

"What is it?" she asked, after what seemed like an eternity.

Mr Bates shook his head. "I was thinking that I should go see her," the name wasn't necessary for Anna to know who he was talking about. "Maybe… Offer her something. Anything."

"She's taken everything you had," Anna told him softly, aware that the walls had ears in Downton Abbey. "I've got some money, you know that."

But he shook his head at once. "Anna, I won't give her your money."

"But we have nothing left," she insisted. "And even if we do pay her… Then neither of us will have anything. I just feel like… She'll never give up, not until she's taken everything we have. I don't mind giving her everything so long as she stops, but…"

"We don't know if she will," he completed his sentence for her. "I'm sorry."

She half turned to look at him. "Don't be. None of us could guess the future, you least of all."

They were silent for a few seconds, until he let go of her hands and pulled her into an embrace. It wasn't improper - or perhaps it wouldn't be, if he wasn't a married man. She felt his warmth surround her and let out a little sigh, wistful, brooding on her own too.

"Maybe I can try to reason with her," he whispered into the darkness. Anna tried to keep her head clear as she breathed in his scent, holding him close, resting her head on the crook of his neck. If they moved any closer, she would be sitting on his lap. "There's no future for us - not even for her - if we remain married."

He didn't mention what they both knew - they both knew that Vera didn't want to be a divorced woman, that she would rather remain married to him even if they didn't maintain a relationship. It was even more than that; Vera simply didn't want to see him happy. Anna didn't know the extent of whatever damage their relationship had caused her, but she didn't want to know either. Ignorance could be a blessing, and she had been denied of his love for too long, for way too much time. Anna was greedy for more time with him, to know him physically as much as she did emotionally. She was selfish for him, she wanted him to be hers. And she was not ashamed to admit it.

And yet, their kisses were the ones that needed to be stopped, and their relationship that couldn't be properly public. Before she knew it, the words slipped from her lips, a cold whisper in the darkness.

"Let's leave Downton."

The slow strokes he had been drawing on her back ceased as her suggestion surprised him. He didn't speak immediately, but she felt him shake his head, and that was enough to make her pull away from his arms. He had a pained expression on his face.

"Anna..."

"I know what you'll say," she interrupted him. "But... We should think about it. You won't be able to reason anything with her. She'll keep finding things to fight the divorce. I want a future with you that involves more than stolen kisses and secret touches," she stroked the side of his cheek softly. He remained silent. "I want a proper life with you. To work with you and be with you and have your children. I know you want that too."

"More than anything," he admitted, but she could sense the hesitation in his tone. "I won't do that to you. You deserve more than that."

Anna shook her head. "We both deserve more than what we're living through right now," she said softly, facing him. "We could go somewhere else. America, or Ireland. I don't care as long as it's far from here. No one would know us. No one would have any reason to believe we're not married."

"I can't do that to you," Mr Bates insisted.

Anna ignored the tingle of tears burning her eyes. "I'm asking you to. Don't go and talk to her again, because we know that will lead to nowhere," she said, her grip stronger on his arm. "Just promise me you'll consider this. It may be the only chance we'll have."

Mr Bates remained quiet, and she could almost hear the way his mind was brooding now. She shook her head.

"Don't consider me, or you, in this," she told him, "just think about us. And the future we may have. Will you grant me that?"

At last, he nodded. She let out a deep breath; it was most likely a futile attempt, but perhaps he could be won over tiredness. They were both so tired of all this - of waiting, of hoping. Perhaps it was time to take matters into their own hands.

"I'll think about it," he said. "And think of whatever other choices we have."

Which weren't many, they both knew that. But this was more than the no he had told her all those years ago in Kirkbymoorside, so she took it gracefully, nodding and offering him a small smile. He leaned down to catch her lips in a quick, awfully chaste kiss, and he tasted like peppermint. Before long, their moment was over and they needed to get back to their duties, though not before exchanging a look as they entered the servants' hall, merely five minutes later.

Whatever would happen, it would be their decision together.

* * *

They stood together in the dark courtyard, his cane resting against one of the crates and he could taste the wine on Anna's lips as they kissed; he could feel her relief at the news within every touch and when they pulled away she was smiling; he wondered how she could get more beautiful every day. As her arms sneaked from his chest to embrace his middle and she settled her head against his shoulder, he took a deep breath. These little stolen moments together could be dangerous, but they were also an enormous exercise in frustration. He slipped his arms around her waist as her slight frame leaned against his. She had taken her cap and apron off and he took a deep breath, inhaling her scent.

"I'm so happy this is over," Anna mumbled against his neck. It was cold out and he stroked her back softly, trying to keep her warm. "I hate to think of how many families lost someone in this war. It's a nice comfort that that's over now."

John didn't tell her that there will be other wars in the future, that other people will die because of them. Anna had the gift of seeing the good in almost every situation, and they should feel grateful that this war in particular was over now.

Still, not all wars were physical or literal. In his case - their case - it looked to be far from over. And it didn't seem like they were winning.

He hadn't gone to talk to Vera, and despite a letter that he sent just a few days ago, he heard nothing from her. It didn't sit well with him, her silence, and a small part of him wondered if talking to her would help matters. They were still married, by all means, since the decree absolute was never declared, and he truly couldn't see what else could be done to help them. Vera didn't even bother to reply to his latest letter, never mind arrange a meeting - which wasn't something that he was sure Anna would take very well.

He was brought back to the courtyard as Anna moved against him, now slipping her arms inside his jacket - probably due to the cold, and yet he had never felt warmer. The way her small palms rested against his back and her bosom brushed against his chest was almost too much, and he gave her temple a kiss, just before she turned her head towards him.

"Are you cold?" he asked.

She pulled a few inches away, touching the cold tip of her nose against his chin. "Just a little."

"We should go back inside," he suggested, one of his hands letting go of her waist to stroke her cheek. "It's late."

Anna nodded, but made no move to walk away. Rather, she made to raise herself on her tiptoes to kiss him; he stopped her, however, and leaned down towards her instead. She hummed as their lips moved together, and he was enamoured by that sound. Her arms brought him closer and he thought he heard the tiniest moan coming from the back of Anna's throat. It was hard to focus, to know that they had to stop. They always did. And she had always known that; but later… It seemed like she wouldn't have stopped at all, not until he did.

"Anna," he breathed as they parted. Anna's eyes opened slowly, her lips were red and he had dishevelled her hair a little. She looked perfect.

But he thought he saw a trace of tears in her eyes. "I know," she nodded weakly. "I just wish…"

"What?" John asked when she spoke no further.

"I just wish we didn't have to go to separate beds, and not see each other until morning," she revealed. Her eyes left his; he knew what she was thinking about. The suggestion she made, just a few days ago. He felt his hands sweat just at the thought of discussing that subject again with her; he wasn't sure if he would be able to refuse her yet one more time. So he remained quiet, and waited for her to speak. "I'm just so… I'm so tired, Mr Bates."

He knew exactly what she meant, and nodded. He was worried about her tone - how hopeless she looked right now. He didn't like it.

"Let's go inside," Anna said at last, simply. She pulled away but reached for his hand.

They exchanged one more quick, chaste kiss before they parted upstairs, each to their own room, but he couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness that they encounter had left him in.

Perhaps it was time to consider something else, after all.

* * *

Anna chatted with Jane, about to enter the linen closet; with the house serving as a home to so many officers, work was more than doubled up, and even if they were used to it now, it didn't make her any less tired. Today looked like a long day; Lady Edith would be heading to London and Anna needed to pack for her, besides cleaning and supervising the maids and dressing Lady Mary during the day, as she was to go to Ripon in the afternoon. On top of that, she hadn't been sleeping well for the past few nights. Surely now, with the war technically over, at least the house would be returning to normal. But that still wouldn't be for a few weeks.

So, it wasn't a surprise when Anna heard Mrs Hughes calling for her. Probably some family room that needed to be cleaned or a visitor that would be staying with the family. But as Anna turned around to answer to her calls, Mrs Hughes appeared by the door, and her expression was quizzical, to say the least.

"Anna," she said in a low voice. "I wouldn't call you, but Mr Bates has gone to Ripon for his Lordship."

Anna frowned. "What is it?"

"His... wife is here," Mrs Hughes said carefully. "She's in my sitting room. I told her Mr Bates wasn't here but she said she would wait."

"He won't be back until tea," Anna said, shaking her head slightly, ignoring Jane's look upon her. "I'll go talk to her."

To say that this visit surprised her was an understatement; she wasn't looking forward to seeing Vera or hearing what she had to say. She had never have been, but lately even more than ever. Mr Bates hadn't told her anything about a reply to his latest letter, and she knew he hadn't mentioned anything about her coming here to discuss whatever divorce proceedings they had to discuss. Mr Bates was doing absolutely nothing wrong. Anna wasn't his mistress, he didn't marry her while still married to Vera. By no means, he was never even unfaithful, even if they were indeed engaged. Still, as Anna walked towards the sitting room, she felt terribly self-conscious and straightened up her apron and made sure her hair looked all right. She didn't fear Vera, and she never let herself be intimidated by her. Today would be no different.

Vera was sitting when Anna opened the door, and her icy glare didn't seem surprised to see Anna there. She held her head high and smiled - not a friendly smile, but Anna never expected to see that.

"Since John isn't here, I thought you would come and see me," she commented. Anna noticed the fur she was wearing around her neck and the fancy hat she also wore. All with Mr Bates' money, and Sir Richard's, no doubt. It really was amazing how money still couldn't buy a good taste.

Anna wasn't in the mood for small talk. "What are you doing here?"

Vera lowered her eyes and looked at her in disdain. "I'm here to see my husband."

How she loathed those words. "He won't arrive until late this afternoon."

"I'd like to speak to him," Vera said dryly. "I'm sure he would like to speak to me too. From his latest letter, I could see that he wasn't too happy with the judge's decision to withdraw the decree."

Anna said nothing. Of course they weren't happy. But she couldn't imagine what Vera could possibly want by coming all the way here. The decree may have been withdrawn, but the process wasn't over. They were still trying to divorce. Anna couldn't think of a good reason for her to come here. It had to be trouble.

But Vera stood up, and Anna raised her head to meet her eyes. She didn't like the way the older woman stared her down. For the hundredth time, perhaps, she wondered what Mr Bates had seen in her.

"You tell him his wife will expect him at the Grantham Arms by tomorrow morning," she said rather loudly. "And tell him to come alone, because I won't say a thing if I see you around. He's _my_ husband, after all. Not yours."

Anna bit back a reply and simply opened the door for her. Vera left without even bothering to look her in the eye and barely heard the back door slamming from the corridor. She tried not to let Vera's words get to her - she really did. But she couldn't help thinking that there was some truth in them, at least.

Shaking the tears away, Anna left Mrs Hughes' sitting room and managed to smile politely at the servants she passed by on her way back to the linen closet.

* * *

"I won't let it go," Vera said a little loudly, making the people sitting next to their table look up at them. John shifted uncomfortably. "I am your wife."

He took a deep breath. Arguing with Vera had never been something he enjoyed doing, nowadays less than ever. He had come straight away once Mr Carson said he could be spared, and he left after sharing one look with Anna, who stood at the end of the corridor to bid him goodbye. Her smile had been unsure, and he could understand why. Vera had only come to stir things up.

"I won't go back to London, and I won't go back to you," he said lowly. "What else can you possibly want? I've already given you all I had. What else can you?"

"I can prove that you've been planning to marry that floozy," Vera said, and he did not like the triumphant tone in her voice. "I can prove that she tells everyone you're her fiancé. You don't think I've been in London just sitting and waiting, do you, John?"

"We're not married, and we won't be unless I'm a divorced man."

"Maybe, but considering your history with the law, I'm sure the judge won't hesitate on to end the divorce process at once," he stared at her icy eyes, trying his best to control his temper. "I've more than enough to sustain that. How everyone in the house knows you're to marry, how everyone in this village has seen you walking together."

John closed his eyes.

"I've done nothing improper with Anna," but he frowned as he took in her words. "How would you know all of that?"

Vera leaned back in her chair, and took a slow, tentative sip of tea. "I have my sources, John, same as anybody. You gave me your money and I have plenty from the newspaper man. I can buy connections. Indeed, I can even say that your _precious_ Anna has caught some people's attention."

His blood rushed against his ears. "What do you mean?"

Vera laughed. "She's young, and I have to admit it, she's not bad looking. A little plain, if you ask me. I'll never know what you saw in her," she added bitterly, eyeing him up and down. "More importantly, she's with you. A married man. It would be a shame, indeed... If something were to happen to her."

He pressed his fist against his leg, trying his best not to cause a scene. Anna would want him to keep his calm. He couldn't lose his temper.

"Keep Anna out of it," he said between his teeth. "This has nothing to do with her."

"It has _everything_ to do with her," Vera hissed, slamming her palm against the table. Several heads turned towards them. "Don't underestimate me, John Bates. I'll make you as miserable as you've made me. Even if that costs you that silly girl."

"You're not half the woman that Anna is," he spat at her. "I despise you."

At this, he felt her palm hitting his cheek loudly, a chair screeching and Vera's angry steps walking away. Her touch stung against his skin and he saw blood on his fingers as he stroked his cheek. A few stern glances at the people around him made them go back to their conversations as he stood up, paid the bill, and left the Grantham Arms for Downton Abbey.

* * *

"Will you tell me how this happened now?"

Anna's question was careful and raw, and he knew he would have to tell her. He had arrived at Downton in time for supper and to dress his lordship, but the small injury on his face was enough to let people talk. Anna knew more than to ask any questions, and only now, alone in the servants' hall, with the house asleep around them, he felt comfortable sharing the details of his conversation with Vera. Anna listened intently as she cleaned his wound and applied some alcohol onto it, making him wince. But her touch was soft and healing, and he wished all their problems could be fixed that simply.

"There. It's not too deep," she commented after a moment, once he explained it all to her. "It should be better in a few days."

He didn't tell her the nature of Vera's threats and how much he feared them. Anna's eyes were full of love as she admired her work and leaned down to place the softest of kisses upon his small injury. She smelled of roses and soap and of Anna. When she pulled away and sat on the chair beside his, he managed a smile.

"Now that was what I needed to heal," he said, meant as a joke, but Anna only smiled. Her blue eyes shone against the candlelight. "Thank you."

She shook her head. "I'm only sorry you had to go through that," she sighed. "Do you think she's put someone to follow us around?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"We haven't done anything wrong. She can't prove anything," Anna said. "Can it really annul the whole process?"

John exhaled slowly and nodded. "I have a criminal record, and she has proven I've paid her for the divorce. At this point... I don't think she'll need much."

He saw as Anna took a short intake of breath to take these news. He felt his heart break as he saw her blinking rapidly, and her bottom lip quivering slightly. He took her hand in his, and she looked up at him. He wasn't sure what she expected to hear. If he were honest to himself, he wasn't sure either.

"I love you," were the first words his lips let out. "We are going to be together."

She nodded, her fingers gripping his hand tightly, waiting for him to continue.

"We're out of options," he sighed heavily. "But I... I thought of something."

"Go on," her voice was weak.

"Do you remember Sergeant McMichael?" Anna nodded. Of course she would; she had been the one to encourage him to talk to the Scottish officer who spent a few weeks in Downton to recover from an injury in his left leg. The officer almost lost his leg, similarly to John's war wound, but thankfully an operation managed to take most of the pain away. When he left, Sergeant McMichael only limped slightly, and did not always need to use a cane. "He wrote me, I told you about it. He's living in Canada now. His brother opened a pub there."

"Canada?" Anna's eyes widened.

"It's far from here, I know. But... Perhaps we should consider it," he hated to even have to consider this. "I haven't replied. I thought that maybe I could... Ask him, about emigrating. About jobs and a place to live. Just... To consider it."

"Do you mean it?" Anna asked. He saw tears behind her eyes.

He nodded, weakly. He thought about Vera's threats. He thought about Vera's threats against Anna. "Yes. I do."

Anna drew in a breath, leaning closer to him. "I never thought you would consider it."

It wasn't ideal; far from it. It would go against their reputations and Anna's religion. It would be a scandal, one that they would likely not be around to face. But a scandal nonetheless.

"I will if that's what you truly want," he said softly.

Anna replied to him with a full kiss on the lips. Tears left her eyes. "It is. I want us to be together - no matter what. I don't care anymore."

He suspected she never truly did, not in the way that she should, but it was too late for that now. Wordlessly, he wiped her tears away, and his arms embraced her tightly against him. It wasn't much, but it was hope. They were going to be together.

Even if they had to leave the country for it to happen.

* * *

 _Next chapter: With Vera very much alive, Anna and Bates orchestrate the plan that will change their lives forever._


	3. Chapter 2

_A/N: Things are progressing in this chapter! Hope everyone likes - don't forget to let me know. I'll try to update as regularly as I can, but we'll see. Thanks Terrie for editing!_

* * *

 _Chapter 2_

 _January 1919_

John waited as Anna read the letter carefully. He had written back to Sergeant McMichael last year, in the hopes that the man would write back and give them some hope. He had done much more than that; he had written back not long afterwards encouraging him to go to Canada, to join their little community, and had assured him work wouldn't be so hard to find. In turn, he had written back again, with Anna sitting beside him one night in the servants' hall table, enquiring about further business; paperwork, a place to live. A place for him and his wife to start over.

It had pained him to lie so outwardly like that, but he supposed he would have to get used to it. His true wife was very much alive, plotting against him and Anna, very much looking forward to see ruin befall them. He wasn't looking forward to staying in England and finding out what her next move would be. He was tired of this game that seemed so endless.

So John watched as Anna's eyes flickered as she read the letter, how they brightened up after reading a particular line, how her chest heaved through her breaths as if the air she was breathing was enough to fill her with hope. She sighed as she put the letter down, and looked at him then, her face devoid of any emotion.

"What do you think?" John asked before he could contain himself. It was late and they were quite alone.

Her eyes flickered to the letter on the table again. She spoke in a whisper, just in case. "Well, we would have a place to live. I don't mind if it's small or in need of repair. We need a roof above our heads, a bed to sleep in and food in our bellies if we want to make this work. And this arrangement provides all that."

John nodded. "We need to have some money left for when we're there."

Anna agreed. "Yes. I have some aside. I reckon it could buy our tickets."

He hated the idea of using Anna's money. He didn't have much aside, not now that Vera and his lawyer took everything. But Anna's money was still untouched. It was hers, nevertheless - saved from years and years of service. He couldn't take it. So he shook his head.

"We'll need a few months to buy the tickets. I still have some savings. We may be able to do it in four or five months, maybe three if we keep our expenses low," Anna was about to protest, but he shushed her. "You've saved for years for a rainy day. We may need it in a few months."

That did it. Anna nodded seriously, watching as he reached for her hand over the table. She laced their fingers together - her palms were still soft and delicate, even after years in service. They were a worker's hands, and he was proud of it. He was proud of her.

"I wish we didn't have to wait," she sighed. "I'd leave tomorrow if I could."

"Let's give it three months," John told her. "I'll tell Sergeant McMichael we'll arrange everything and ask him to save the flat for us."

The sergeant had been nice enough to offer them a flat, a little ran down as he said, in the same building as his brother's pub, where John would work when they arrived in Halifax. It was oddly exciting, and terrifying at the same time. They had a lot to consider - many people to consider. He doubted his mother would think his actions were honourable and dignified, but he was doing his best not to think of it. He only thought of her.

Anna started talking again.

"I'll find work once we're there," she said resolutely. "I'm sure I'll find something. That will do, won't it?"

He smiled, and the frown that appeared on her forehead was all but gone. "Of course. We'll make do."

"You don't mind working in a pub?" Her fingers caressed the back of his hand. "I know how much you hated it in Kirkbymoorside."

John shook his head. "No. It'll be fine, I'm sure. And it'll be good money, since we'll have just arrived. We can plan later."

Anna nodded, taking a deep breath. "This needs enough planning. We'll have to leave early. Before anyone finds out."

"Yes. I'll take a look at ship tickets soon," he said. "Should we tell anyone?"

It had been a nagging feeling within him since he first wrote the sergeant. They couldn't tell many people, or Vera would know. But he wanted to tell his lordship the reason behind his leaving, truly now. It had been bad enough the first time. And he felt that Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson ought to know that what they were doing was carefully planned. He didn't want to leave as though he was taking Anna away from her life. No, he convinced himself it wasn't like that. Anna would do everything willingly. If she so much as said she had doubts, he would cancel everything.

He was thankful when she nodded. "We should tell His Lordship, so they can prepare to find replacements. And Lady Mary. But not now," she told him softly. "Later. We can't afford to take any risks."

"That seems like the right thing to do," John sighed. "I'd hate to part on bad terms again. Perhaps we should tell Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes."

At this, Anna made a face. "They might try to stop us," she shook her head. "You're right, they should know. But only of our motives. The less people know, the less chance of unwanted people finding out where we are. We leave them a letter. I can write to Mrs Hughes and she'll share it with Mr Carson. No time for anyone to try to convince us to stay and wait."

He nodded, but something hadn't felt right about her phrase. "Do you think you can be convinced to stay?"

At this, she immediately shook her head. "No. But I'm afraid you can."

She was right and he knew. He brought her hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss upon it. "I'll answer him tomorrow. I'll tell him we'll emigrate."

Anna remained silent for a moment, looking at their joined hands, then letting out an incredulous laugh. "It is really happening, isn't it?"

He sighed deeply before replying. "It is. For as long as you want it to happen."

Her laughter stopped. She clung to his hand tighter, and he could see a trace of tears in her eyes. How he hated to be the one to make her cry. "Don't do this just for me. Please. I want you to do it for you too. To live away from this agony. To be a proper wife to you."

He couldn't help but reply to her the plain truth. "It won't be proper. You know that."

"It will be in my heart," she said resolutely, bringing their hands to her chest. "And that's enough for me. Will it be enough for you?"

Ultimately, he nodded. "Of course. I'm happy when you're happy, and that has always been enough for me."

She presented him with a watery smile. "There. We need to keep that clear," she sniffed. He let out a chuckle. "We should get some sleep."

John nodded, but he had no trace of sleep at all. "Yes, of course. Let's go up."

It was harder every day, to part ways with her. If he could, he would be with her all day, following her around whenever he could. That was not the case, of course, and perhaps that was a good thing. They bid goodnight to each other and shared a quick kiss before she went up the staircase that led to the women's quarters, and he watched her until he couldn't see her anymore. They had a lot of planning to do, and he needed to do some thinking as well.

He hadn't lied when he agreed that it would be proper in their hearts, but he couldn't help but wonder if it would ever be really enough.

* * *

 _March 1919_

Little by little, the details of their departure were being taken care of. Much as Anna knew Mr Bates still hesitated, upon everything, it was the final withdrawn of the divorce process that did it for them. With the process finished and with Mr Bates still not divorced, there was little they could do. They had not met Vera since November, and correspondence between them was very strained, as far as Anna knew, and she knew Mr Bates hid nothing from her. They could either spend money on another process, perhaps find a new lawyer. Or they could continue their plan and save money.

They chose the second option.

But Anna worried. When the process was done they could only try to reopen it, and when Mr Bates didn't, she knew it would only be a matter of time before Vera came around again, demanding answers, blowing threats. She never knew what she has threatened Mr Bates with, but in truth she would rather not know. Anything that came from that woman couldn't be good.

She tried not to judge too much - they must have had a difficult marriage. Mr Bates said several times it was a joint effort to end the marriage, but then he was always the one to blame his own self for such things. Right now, she tried not to judge, as it wasn't a matter of her against Vera.

Though she secretly wondered if it was, in the older woman's mind. But Anna didn't dwell on it.

So, the details were done. They wondered if anyone suspected anything - Thomas, or Ms O'Brien. Maybe Mrs Hughes; Anna thought she heard steps one night when they were discussing when to buy the tickets for. Mr Bates wanted to wait until June at least. Anna wouldn't have it; they couldn't wait this long. They couldn't simply sit and wait for Vera's next move. So on a quiet night in early March, Anna asked him to do it sooner rather than later. After a quick discussion, they agreed on going in April. They had a little over a month to plan for everything else. They had their savings, just a little left, as they still were to buy the tickets that would take them from Liverpool to Halifax. It wasn't much, but enough for them to arrive there a little comfortably. It was all they could afford, and it was perfect in her eyes.

A few days later, he told her he had bought the tickets. Their secret was becoming more concrete within each day.

They would get on board a ship on a Friday in mid April.

* * *

Letters were exchanged between the sergeant and John, and soon everything was settled - from their home in Halifax to the ship tickets and leaving Downton. They were thankful for Jane, who respected Anna enough to not enquire her about her late night endeavors. They were relieved that no one seemed to have noticed anything. Lady Mary was much too preoccupied about Mr Matthew's recovery and her impending wedding to notice any change in Anna's behaviour, and His Lordship had enough problems as it was. The war was over, but people had their personal battles to fight.

It was three weeks before their departure that opportunity presented itself to John, as His Lordship asked of the divorce proceedings, or rather, their lack of existence. Upon hearing the news that the divorce wasn't settled, Lord Grantham had frowned and looked at his servant through the mirror.

"So what is the plan now?" His Lordship enquired.

John shifted nervously on his good leg, just as Lord Grantham tied his robe around the waist, ready for bed.

"We have little options, Milorde," John opted to say. "And I'm... I'm afraid the one we've chosen requires that we leave."

Lord Grantham's eyes widened. "Leave Downton? What for?"

"The divorce won't be granted," he let out a deep breath. "And I am- we are afraid that the current Mrs Bates is not over threatening us. We are to leave in April."

"But where will you go?" Lord Grantham asked. "Is Anna sure about this? Are _you_ sure about this?"

"It was at her suggestion, Milorde," John said quietly. "We'll leave the country. I won't tell you our destination yet. We don't want to take any risks."

His Lordship looked visibly taken aback by the whole suggestion.

"I know this is short notice," John continued. "I'd have stayed and fought more but I'm afraid we don't have many weapons left."

Lord Grantham nodded, apparently perplexed. "Of course. You've been fighting a long battle."

"And we've lost," John admitted bitterly.

"Is there... Is there any cause for haste?"

At this, John shook his head. "No, Milorde."

"Right, of course. I apologise at the implication," His Lordship said at once. "I suppose I should be looking for a new valet soon. I take it no one else knows?"

John shook his head.

"Then I'll be as discreet as I can," he let out a deep breath. "I hope you know exactly what repercussions your actions will take in the estate and the village."

"I do, Milord. But we see no other way," he closed his eyes momentarily. "I can't deny Anna any longer, and she's certain about this."

Lord Grantham nodded. "Women make us weak, Bates. In good and bad ways," he gave him a sympathetic smile. "I won't judge. Thank you for telling me. I suppose we should all take risks every now and then."

"Some are bigger risks than other, Milord," John told him softly.

"And some are worth taking, Bates," Lord Grantham breathed. "I hope you'll stay on for as long as you can."

"If you'll allow me."

"I will," he said with a smile. "The world is changing, Bates. It's time we change with it."

* * *

 _April 1919_

It was a beautiful and sunny day as they walked into church that afternoon. Their last day off before parting, and with sickness in the house, Anna wanted to visit church and pray for Her Ladyship, Mr Carson and Ms Swire.

He didn't truly believe praying would be of any help, but he prayed anyway, for her. They were kneeled together by the altar and his thoughts wandered once more to the fact that they wouldn't be married properly, not in front of God and not in front of men. But Anna prayed as vigorously as she had in the past, and he was comforted somewhat. Their plans were going accordingly. He had succeed in leaving most of the guilt he had been feeling behind. But looking at Anna now, beautiful and quiet and pure, he wondered how he could go through with this.

She held his arm as they walked away from the altar, minutes later, and only pulled it away when they left the church. She knew he was a weak devote, and he wondered if his thoughts would surprise her.

"You prayed a lot today," he noticed. They had spent a long time inside.

Anna nodded. "For the health of everyone. For a safe journey for us on Friday."

"God doesn't spare sinners," he found himself saying.

She looked up at him, surprised. "No. He forgives them."

"Only when they've regretted their actions."

She was silent at that, and they walked leisurely for a while. She was carrying a basket of goods Lady Mary requested and a few things for her own. He suspected some might be for the trip. He would miss England, of that he was sure of. He would miss the endless rainy days, the cold nights, the pie Mrs Patmore made on special days. His talks with Lord Grantham, the books he would have to leave behind. He would even miss Daisy and Mr Carson and Mr Molesley. But he wasn't a sentimental man, not when it came to leaving a place. He had done enough of that in his life to know that one was always able to start over. He found a home he never expected to find when he came to Downton, years ago. Now he would be taking home with him.

"I don't believe we'll have sinned," she said at last, when they finally reached the road that led to the Abbey. "Not when I love you as much as I do."

"I could never regret loving you," he said, and her hand held onto his arm once more.

She gave him a smile.

"But if it's a sin," she continued, "then I shouldn't care anymore. I know that God could never go against what I feel for you. Even if the church says otherwise."

In that moment, he felt himself falling even further in love with her, and the overwhelming feeling that they would finally be together engulfed him. He stopped walking, and she turned to him with questioning eyes. He loved her, much more than the physical temptation they had been under for years, much more than the desire that he felt for her - he loved her soul, and it was for hers and his own that he agreed to do this. He couldn't regret it, no - and he brought his lips to her temple, softly, as much as her hat allowed, and when he pulled away he saw nothing but love in her eyes. They could do this. Whatever happened, they would be together. And that was, indeed, enough.

For now.

* * *

While Lord Grantham had been understanding, the same couldn't have been said at first for Lady Mary. When Anna told her, the very same week Mr Bates told His Lordship, she was adamant that Anna should stay and fight the divorce, and not take such a tragic decision to leave the country. By the next day, however, her opinion had been changed. She considered Anna brave to face such an uncertain fate, and still run after her dreams. Still, as the day approached and the house fell ill with the Spanish flu, their conversations turned distant, slow and uncertain. Anna couldn't blame Lady Mary. They had been present in each other's lives for too long to take the parting easily.

"I know you leave tomorrow," Lady Mary said that evening as Anna got her ready for bed. It had been a very long day, especially with Ms Swire's passing. "And I won't pretend I'm happy. But I wish you happiness, and I have a gift for you."

Anna followed her mistress to the wardrobe, where she took out a few dresses and a package. Anna bit her lip in wonder, unsure of what to say. But Lady Mary smiled and handed her the dresses.

"You'll have to change them, I'm sure," she said. "But a bride can't very well start a new life without new clothes. Even if it's not exactly a tradition."

"Milady... I don't know what to say," Anna said softly. No one else knew of this secret. Anna was taking all her belongings with her for the travel, and they didn't include many dresses. She eyed the package in curiosity.

"This is for you to wear at night," Lady Mary told her. "You are braver than most people, Anna. Much braver than me. And I admire you for it."

Anna shook her head. "We're either that, or just fools."

"No, you're going after you dream of," Lady Mary said. "I understand it must have been a simple decision for you. I envy that."

Anna nodded, though she highly doubted Lady Mary could truly understand and envy the situation. Still, it meant the world that they would part in smiles and understanding, rather than disappointment and disapproval. For now, she and Mr Bates could treat the secret with more reason than they would soon. For now, their secret was shared. Once they left Downton, their secret would be theirs alone to deal with.

"Do write to me," Lady Mary said as Anna eyes the gifts. "I'd like to know how you're faring."

"And I you, milady," Anna said softly.

"I hope that wherever you're going will bring you happiness," Lady Mary said, bringing a hand to brush against Anna's arm. "Whatever happens, you can always come back to Downton. We'll always welcome you with open arms. Both of you."

Anna felt tears sting her eyes and nodded. "Thank you, milady."

"We would have to part sooner or later," she shrugged, but Anna could see she was close to tears as well. "With me and Sir Richard marrying soon. Only now, you'll be the one to leave. And my guess is that there will be quite some distance between us."

Anna laughed at the remark, very near to the truth Lady Mary knew nothing about. When Anna left her bedroom, a few minutes later, she was thankful the corridors had been empty and she could recover before arriving in her bedroom. With Her Ladyship sick, Ms O'Brien was nowhere to be seen, and Jane wasn't upstairs when Anna tucked the dresses inside her suitcase, along with the package Lady Mary had given her. It was heavy, but she could carry it. They had a long journey, starting tomorrow, and Anna still had a letter to write.

* * *

It was dark and empty in the house. A cold morning awaited them. When Anna walked down the stairs and saw him standing in the middle of the corridor, her heart fluttered inside her chest. She was taken back to a time, a few years ago, where she had greeted him for the very first time right here. Her hand clutched at her suitcase tighter and she gave him a nervous smile - and he replied with one of his own, as well. She had barely slept last night, and yet it took her a long time to get ready today, as she tried not to wake Jane. Still, the moment was here and now. And for that she was glad.

"This is it," Mr Bates said, looking around almost nostalgically so. She didn't bother looking. She knew these walls as if she had built them herself.

But she nodded. "Let's go. We can't miss the train."

He nodded too, looking at her before taking a deep breath. "I'll ask you again now. Hopefully for the last time, even though I know your answer. Are you sure?"

She smiled at him. He knew her well, and she knew him well enough that she expected to hear this question once more. To answer him properly, she gave him a kiss fully on the lips, her suitcase banging lightly against his own. She had been sad upon her packing, thinking how her whole life could fit into a travelling suitcase. But here, now, she knew she was taking much more than that. He was with her, and that was all of her world.

"I'm sure," she said definitely.

She didn't look around the hallway or at the walls or the servants' hall. She paused at Mrs Hughes' sitting room to leave the letter she wrote under the door, but when they left, she looked back. She was under the impression that someone was watching them as they left the Abbey in the dark. Perhaps someone was; she didn't care anymore.

But she felt a tightening in her chest as she wondered if she would ever see Downton Abbey again.

* * *

 _Next chapter: Anna and Bates arrive in Liverpool, their first stop, and the repercussions of their leaving starts._


	4. Chapter 3

_A/N: A rather long chapter today - and the sixth and final section is M-rated. I realized, while writing this, that I had never written John and Anna's first time in canon. So I suppose this was my chance to do it in an AU. I'm a little nervous, it's a little different and a difficult scene as well, but I hope it won't disappoint. Will reply to all reviews soon - thank you so much for them! Do let me know what you think of this chapter!_

* * *

 _Chapter_ _3_

 _Downton_

It was Jane the first who noticed something was amiss. Anna usually was up after her, often wanting to sleep a little more, but her bed was made when Jane got up that morning. Still, she thought nothing of it. She didn't notice that Anna's uniforms were all neatly folded and that her suitcase was gone from under her bed.

In the servants' hall, the chaotic hustle and bustle continued as it did every day. Ms O'Brien was as pale as a sheet, having cared for Her Ladyship for days and nights now, but as Lady Sybil and Lord Grantham were already awake, even in this early hour, she had left for a cup of tea. A quick cup of tea, nevertheless. Ms Swire's health seemed to have got a little better last night. The same couldn't be said for Lady Grantham. Jane had assumed Anna was busy with Lady Mary or Lady Edith, when she didn't see her at breakfast.

But it was when Mrs Hughes opened her sitting room that their secret had been in the open. The neat handwriting in the back of the envelope was recognised instantly, and Mrs Hughes had frowned and opened the letter immediately, even in the middle of such a busy morning. Mr Carson found her with a hand covering her mouth as she took in the news. Goodness! It couldn't be. She had seen no signs indicating anything at all. Nothing. Anna and Mr Bates had been behaving as cordially and honourably as always. But as she read Anna's letter, it seemed like there was nothing to be done.

"Mrs Hughes?" Mr Carson asked. He had come to ask about a problem in the library, but upon seeing the shocked expression on the housekeeper's face, he refrained from doing so.

"Where's Anna?" were the words that left her lips.

Mr Carson frowned. "She must have dressed Lady Sybil this morning, since she has been up since dawn."

"And Mr Bates?" she asked, already moving past him into the corridor.

"His Lordship was up early and was already dressed when I spoke to him," Mr Carson informed her.

Mrs Hughes shook her head, looking at the servants' who were still having breakfast. The void was there for anyone to see. Neither Mr Bates nor Anna occupied their usual seats at the table, side by side. It was strange and it made Mrs Hughes' worry grow. It couldn't be. Anna had always been so reasonable - and how would Mr Bates have allowed it? But it had to be. Lady Sybil dressed herself in the early hour. Lord Grantham... He _knew_.

"Has anyone seen Anna or Mr Bates today?" Mrs Hughes asked loudly, and the conversation in the servants' hall stopped.

It was Jane's last day, and Mrs Hughes felt there was more to her story than what she told them. Still, the housemaid was kind and trustworthy, and she was the one who spoke.

"I heard her leaving early. I assumed she had a busy day ahead," she said. "Her bed was made when I woke up this morning."

Mrs Hughes took a deep breath. Anna didn't say where they were going. If they left early, they could be anywhere by now. London, or Scotland, or even Liverpool to cross the ocean or go to India, for all that she knew. No prospect seemed good to her. She had to look further. Perhaps this was a misunderstanding. Perhaps Anna was upstairs making the beds. Perhaps Mr Bates was out polishing some shoes. She exited the servants' hall, the letter still in her hands. She heard whispers in the servants' hall immediately, and failed to see Ms O'Brien as the news sunk in - her face of realisation. She had seen two figures leaving the Abbey that morning, from Her Ladyship's room.

"Should I order a search party for Anna and Mr Bates?" Mr Carson asked, his face stern.

Mrs Hughes shook her head. "They've run away together, Mr Carson."

The whispers in the servants' hall grew louder upon hearing the housekeeper's words.

* * *

 _Liverpool_

A big part of John worried that perhaps someone would go after them. Perhaps someone would follow them and be able to locate them in Liverpool. Anna had told him of Lady Sybil's failed escape weeks ago, and he couldn't shake the feeling that someone would do the same for them. But how could they, when the only people who knew of their location were himself and Anna?

He supposed it also meant just how deep the ruin for them would be, only the ruin would be just for him and Anna alone. Especially Anna.

He didn't pretend that he had no doubts. She knew he did, and perhaps what scared him the most was precisely that she didn't have any. Anna was determined, and for that he admired her - but he couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't doing his part of considering every possibility for their future. They had difficulties ahead, they both knew it. It would already start with boarding the ship in Liverpool. He could only hope luck would be on their side tomorrow morning. The tickets were secured when they arrived in Liverpool in the afternoon, and they checked in at a somewhat respectable little inn near the docks. No questions were asked, and as Anna was wearing gloves, John doubted they would raise suspicion. He wished they could have done better - stayed in a proper hotel and in separate bedrooms - but they had to save money as much as they could.

To say that he was nervous at the prospect of being alone in a bedroom with Anna was an understatement; as they carried their suitcases upstairs to settle, he was positively sweating. To her credit, Anna's demeanor was cool and relaxed, and the first thing she did when they arrived in the bedroom was sit on the bed and reach for her hat to unpin it.

"Trains always tire me out," she sighed, looking around as she took her hat off.

He arranged his suitcase next to hers, on the foot of the bed. It wasn't bad, not really - it was a very simple room, but it seemed clean enough. Walking towards the window, the view they had was of an alley, probably in the back of the building. He closed the curtains and turned around to look at Anna, who did look rather tired.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

She nodded and stretched her arms a little. "I was just thinking about home. Everyone must know already."

John nodded. "Indeed they do. We must be the talk of the house."

"I hope so," Anna breathed. At his questioning glance, she continued. "Better us than Her Ladyship or Ms Swire."

She was right, of course. He had always admired Anna's capacity of overlooking her own problems. He wished he could do the same.

"Are you hungry?" she asked.

He could eat.

She had made them sandwiches and they ate them heartily, Anna sitting on the bed and him sitting on the lonely chair by the corner of the bedroom. In all his years imagining being alone with Anna, it was never like this - in a small, run down inn, in Liverpool. But he felt surprisingly content here. No one knew them. No one would have as much as a second thought about them here. They were safe and on their way to a new life.

They didn't have much to do now; they could only wait.

* * *

The night came fast, faster than she realised it. Mr Bates spent most of the afternoon out, enquiring over paperwork and the like. It was best to know what they could find as problems on the way than be surprised by it, he had said. Anna stayed in the bedroom; organizing some things, making sure she hadn't forgotten anything (as if she would be able to go back to Downton and retrieve whatever she could have left there). She decided to write a letter to her mother, something she hadn't done before. She didn't spend much time wondering what her family would think. They weren't very close, not particularly. But she loved her mother, and she felt it was only right that she knew where her eldest daughter would be going to.

Once they were settled in Halifax, she would write again, and hope for a reply from her mother.

Mr Bates arrived just as she was finishing it, with fish and chips for dinner, and perhaps it was because she was very hungry, but it felt like the best fish and chips she had ever had. They had smiled and talked of nothing in particular - not of home - Downton, she kept correcting herself - not of the journey they had ahead. Still, now that the night was coming, she felt a little nervous - she wasn't sure of what would happen. She was willing to do anything - but she wasn't sure Mr Bates was. She knew him; perhaps he would want to wait. She couldn't be certain.

The bathroom was at the end of the corridor, as they didn't have a private one just for them, and Mr Bates waited for her outside as she got herself ready. She washed with a cloth as well as she could in the tiny bathroom and when she exited it Mr Bates had waited for her to get inside the bedroom they would share for the night before getting in the bathroom himself. Once there, she went to the small wardrobe - the first indication of a shared life, with some of their clothes together there. Her eyes went to the package Lady Mary had given her, but something stopped her.

She knew Mr Bates. Better than anyone, or so she thought. If it were up to her, she wouldn't wait at all to spend the night in his arms, getting to know him like a wife would. Her cheeks blushed as such certainty crossed her mind. It was no lie. But she knew him - and she wondered if he would want that now, here. She quickly made a decision and changed into one of her nightgowns, a simple one, even if it was still somewhat new. She didn't look bad in it, at least she didn't think so. She would save Lady Mary's gift for another night.

He was taking his time, so Anna undid her hair and was combing it when a gentle knock was heard on the door. She knew it was him even without asking, so she stood up and unlocked it. He seemed surprised to see her with her hair down and she noticed he gulped slightly, but smiled anyway. The candle burned from the small bedside cabinet in the corner. He was wearing only his undershirt now, and his hair lacked the pomade. She loved it that way; it was decided then and there.

"It's a little cold here, isn't it?" Anna commented, trying to take the situation lightly. It was no lie; the air seemed chillier.

"It's the sea," Mr Bates told her. "We're not used to it yet."

She nodded; they would have to get used to it soon, as they would spend the next few days at sea and then live in a seaside city. Anna sat back on the bed to continue the task of combing her hair. He watched her.

"I was thinking," he started, "that you can take the bed and I'll sleep on the floor. There's an extra blanket in the wardrobe."

Silly, silly man. "We can share the bed."

"We shouldn't."

"It will happen eventually," she found herself saying, as she put the comb aside. "We don't... We don't have to do anything tonight. But I won't have you sleeping on the cold floor like that. We can share the bed."

"That would be... Too tempting. You are too tempting," his words were slow and careful.

Anna's shoulders fell. Perhaps he did not want her, or perhaps he was regretting the decision of leaving. Had she been too hard on him, with all the plans and all the requests? Perhaps she was ready, and he wasn't. Perhaps he had wanted to wait more.

"I know what we're in for," his face brought her back to the present. Mr Bates looked a little nervous, but his eyes showed honesty. "Lord knows I've dreamed of being with you for too long. But I'd feel better if we waited. At least until tomorrow, when we're far from here. We haven't taken many risks yet. Let's not start now."

Anna nodded. She could understand that. She had expected that. But one thing she didn't accept.

"I agree. But I don't agree with you sleeping on the floor," she insisted. "Please, Mr Bates. We can share the bed. I won't tempt you, I promise."

She meant it seriously, but it was hard not to chuckle at the implication. He smiled as well.

"You don't have to do much for that to happen, Anna," he sighed. "I'll sleep over the covers. That I can accept."

She did not argue, and set about braiding her hair, turning her body away as to give him some privacy; he had yet to change clothes. She heard his movement behind her and as curious as she was, she remained still; only her fingers moved with practiced ease on her hair. She wondered what he was like. She had never seen him in his nightclothes before, only with a robe on. Soon they would be able to see each other properly. Her face burned at this realisation, already in anticipation of the next evening. She couldn't help it.

When she had finished her braid and he told her she could look now, she couldn't help but take in the sight of him wearing blue flannel pajamas, and she instantly loved him a little more for it and for allowing this well. She climbed into bed and he waited until she was settled and comfortable before lying beside her, the extra blanket over him as he was lying above the covers. She bit her lip as she caught a peak of his left foot on the bed, and she realised she had never seen his feet before. Anna watched as he ran her fingers through his hair and settled on the bed. He caught her eye the next moment.

"What are you thinking?" he asked quietly, a hint of a smile on his face.

Anna laughed, lying on her side to look at him properly. "I was just thinking that... This wasn't what I envisioned sharing a bed with you would be like."

Mr Bates chuckled, his hand tentatively reaching for hers. "Tomorrow."

She nodded, getting a little closer to him, resting her hand against his chest. His shirt felt well worn and comfortable. She wondered if she would ever get to wear it.

"Our last night in England, Mr Bates," Anna sighed. "It's not bad to share it with you. Not even like this."

His hand covered hers on his chest. His smile reached his nervous eyes. "John. You can call me John now."

She tried not to remember how the last time he requested such a thing, their hopes had been vanished. She desperately wanted to do it. But not yet.

"Tomorrow," she told him at last. "I'll do it tomorrow."

He nodded. Tomorrow held a lot of promises already.

"We'll have an early day tomorrow," he said with a sigh. "We should sleep."

Anna agreed. "Goodnight, Mr Bates."

He smiled. "Goodnight, my darling."

She liked the sound of that, Anna decided, as he blew out the candle. In the dark, she felt his lips against the back of her hand, and it didn't take her long to fall into a deep, restful sleep.

* * *

The boarding of the SS Zeeland happened without further problems, and John was thankful for it. They had managed to buy second class tickets at a rather good price so to avoid extra problems, especially in Canada. In second class, there were less chances of people stopping them and finding out of his criminal record, which wouldn't able their entry to Canada. Second class was a luxury, but one that was a need for them. They couldn't take any risks, not when they had come this far already.

The bedroom they would stay for the next few days was pretty but not opulent, and simple enough to not make them uncomfortable. A second class bedroom meant they had their own private bathroom, which was a good commodity they were not used to. But they didn't spend much time in their cabin, at first. They went upstairs, to the decks, to see the departure from England. He tended not to mind partings, not when he had Anna with him. But his heart was tight as they looked on to the land they were both born to. Several people in the port were waving goodbye, and he looked down to see tears in Anna's eyes, her mouth in a thin line. He rested a hand against her back.

"Are you all right?" he asked. From now on, their farse officially started. Everyone in the ship would think they were married.

Anna sniffed, but nodded. "Yes. Do you… Do you think we'll ever come back, in the future?"

"Maybe," he said truthfully. They didn't have close relatives in England. Anna was close to her mother, but not to the point of visiting often. But perhaps they would visit, in the future. If they kept in contact with the friends they had in Downton. If the threat of Vera no longer existed. "I hope so."

They shared a smile and watched as people cried and waved and laughed. This was it, they both thought, as the ship parted and land became smaller and smaller to their eyes. England was behind. Their new life was ahead. Nothing had stopped them. Most of the obstacles were down now. Now, they only had to start living properly.

And as Anna's lips touched his cheek, the sun shining above them, he felt it was time they did.

* * *

He had asked Anna to take a walk on the deck before they retreat to their bedroom. It was getting late, but a few people were still around. Couples, mostly, and the occasional group of friends. Most people here were on their way to new lives. John didn't think they were the only people in this situation - unmarried, living together. Nobody judged them, nobody asked questions, at least not so far, but they were both private people. They had gone accustomed to only counting on each other and having each other that neither of them sought extra company. But as much as everything was settled, there was still one more thing to do.

It was getting a little cloudy, nothing threatening, but the sky was darker than it was in Yorkshire, and the stars shone beautifully out here. Anna remained silent for most of their walk. She didn't look nervous; she looked hopeful. And that alone gave him hope.

He watched as she smiled when a couple carrying a sleeping child walked past them, how she greeted the older couple they had briefly met in the dining room. They were travelling to visit their daughter, they had said, and meet a new grandchild. He knew how much Anna rejoiced in seeing people happy, in meeting new people who were as nice to her as she was to them. His heart leaped every time she smiled, and she was already smiling more here than at Downton.

John guided her to a secluded corner. He was quite sure he looked a little nervous as it was, just from the way Anna looked up at him. She was wearing her Sunday best, a navy suit jacket and skirt that complimented her beautifully. They stood face to face.

"What is it?" she asked at last.

He took a deep breath, and reached for her hands. "I… I have something for you."

She frowned, and he felt her eyes on him as he reached for the pocket inside his jacket. The thin golden band shimmered slightly against the soft light around them. Anna's lip wobbled slightly. He reached for her left hand and took her glove off slowly, but did not put the ring on her third finger, not yet. He hoped it would fit. It was his mother's, and he had it fixed so it would fit Anna's small finger.

"I can't marry you," he whispered. It pained him to say it. "I've never wanted something as much as that. To be able to marry you."

Anna shook her head. "It doesn't matter."

"But it does. So much," he interrupted her, and took another slow, deep breath. "I can't marry you. I have no right to be your husband. But I'm willing to give you everything I can to make you happy. And I _will_ marry you one day. Even if it takes me a lifetime."

She sniffed, and nodded. Her hand was incredibly soft against his.

"This ring is not to symbolise the life we'll lead from today on. It's not to make our… _lies_ believable," he explained. They wouldn't be lies, not really. Not in their hearts. "This is a symbol… of all we have promised and all that we share. If you'll have me, I'm yours."

"I do. Of course I do," she repeated, smiling tearfully at him.

He slid the ring onto her finger. It fit her perfectly. The metal was warm against his fingertip as he traced it. He couldn't help but smile as well. She stood on her tiptoes, their hands still intertwined, and he met her halfway in a lingering but promising kiss.

"I love you, John," she breathed when they parted, her voice low and soft, almost tentative.

His smile grew. His name had never sounded so beautiful as it did in that moment. He brought their hands up and kissed the back of her fingers. She wiped a tear with the back of her free hand.

"I love you, Anna."

They were ready to start now.

* * *

Anna eyed herself in the mirror, a little surprised. The gown that Lady Mary had given her was amazing - she was quite sure she never owned something so beautiful. It was white and made of chiffon and silk, and the half sleeves fell on her arms with grace. The upper half was quite revealing - the chiffon material left little to imagination, if she were completely honest. But it was beautiful. She would have to make sure it was a few inches shorter, but it still looked so pretty. She felt beautiful. It was perfect for a bride.

Her breath caught in her throat. In a way, that was exactly what she was.

She opted to let her hair loose and pinched her cheeks a little, trying to give herself a little more colour - not that that would be a problem. She was a blushing bride through and through; she knew what to expect, sort of. But she didn't know the details. She didn't know what she was supposed to do; she and Mr Bates - _John_ \- had never gone further than a few heated kisses. She was curious, and she was eager, but he had always stopped them.

They wouldn't have to stop tonight.

The bedroom door opened and she stood, unsure of what to do now. He entered the room wearing his usual attire, sans the jacket. He put his cane aside, next to the door. She noticed how his eyes darkened upon seeing her, and how his mouth hung agape. She tried her best not to laugh - for his expression and her own nervousness.

"It was a gift from Lady Mary," she gestured to the nightgown, feeling a little self-conscious. She chanced a look at him. "Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful," he nodded, but then shook his head. "I mean, _you_ …are beautiful."

She had worried that he wouldn't want anything to happen once more. She had worried that perhaps he would want to wait until they arrived in Canada. But maybe it was because of what they shared in the decks, or because of the ring on her finger, or because of the success their trip had met with so far… Maybe it was because of all those facts combined, that they both walked towards one another and shared their first kiss in this bedroom.

It was sweet and calming, and it settled her nerves a little. His palms caressed her cheeks and she felt herself relaxing within the second. When they pulled away, she smiled, and looked up at him with bright eyes. His own looked certain, calm.

"I'm not sure of what to do," she revealed in a whisper. "But I want to, so badly."

Mr Bates nodded, almost imperceptibly so. His smile was encouraging. "You'll know what to do. You can do anything. Just… Follow your instincts. And tell me if you ever want me to stop."

She nodded, but they both knew she wouldn't. They spent a few moments like this, standing and staring at each other, but she decided she would have to start it, properly, even if she wasn't sure how. She raised her hands tentatively to his chest, and her palms ran over his solid frame until she found the buttons of his waistcoat. They were no different from the buttons of the girls' dresses, of the ones from her own dresses, except they were bigger. They were all undone before long. He helped her take it off and he threw it rather unceremoniously onto a chair. Anna giggled. John shrugged.

"We don't need to be that proper here," he told her jokingly, chuckling. He ran a hand through her hair.

"We really don't," she agreed, closing her eyes as his lips descended upon hers once more.

She let herself relax in his arms. His kiss was soft and demanding at the same time, slow and hot. His hands began to caress her back and her waist, and it was different than every other time before. Now she only wore the nightgown and her underwear. The clothes were thin enough that she could feel the warmth radiating from his palms. She tried to do what he told her to do - go with her instincts.

She took liberties she had never taken before - feeling his shoulders against her hands, the softness of his hair. He moved his lips to her neck and she could simply hold him close now, trying to keep all these sensations in her memory. Perhaps it was a dream.

Slowly, they moved. She managed to unbutton his shirt and taking it off with his help. Undressing him was very much unlike undressing Lady Mary or Lady Edith. Not just because of the different clothes - but because his movements made it quite difficult. She felt his loss every time he pulled away to shed a piece of clothing - she didn't care if she looked much too eager. They had waited so long, too long. She felt a stirring deep within herself as one of his hands cupped her breast through the material of the nightgown, and she was surprised at the sound that left her lips. Inadvertently, she stopped.

John eyed her for a moment, his face close to hers. "Don't be afraid of showing your wishes, Anna. I want to make you happy, in every aspect that there may be."

She nodded. They kissed again. And again, and again.

His undershirt was gone soon afterwards, and she couldn't resist running her hands over his chest hair; she had imagined him so many times over the years, but it was never like this. His arms were strong and he had a small scar on his side - maybe from the war, she couldn't know. His touch made her feel hot, and their gasps were becoming louder. He managed to take his shoes off, and his lips approached her bosom perilously. Her head fell back to allow him further access. Her hips grounded into him instinctively and her hands grew bold. She reached for the first button of his trousers. His breath hitched.

He pulled away from her.

Anna watched as he unbuttoned his trousers and let them fall to his feet. She took in the sight for a moment: the scar above his right knee, his hairy, long legs, the path of hair on his lower belly that was still hidden by his underwear…

And the uncertainty of his face.

So she smiled.

"Come here," she said softly, reaching for his hand. He took a step forward and his hands brought her closer, pulling at her hips. She had wanted to say something more, but the words were forgotten as he kissed her again and his hands cupped her behind. With less layers between them, she felt something hard against her belly. She couldn't stop kissing him. She couldn't stop wanting to be closer to him.

Their pace quickened. Before long, he was pulling her nightgown over her head. His eyes roamed over her exposed skin before taking her breasts in his hands. His touch was soft, tentative. He murmured how beautiful she was. Their noses bumped once or twice whilst kissing, but they only laughed. She was learning, but she guessed that, in a way, so was he.

John guided her to the bed, and she slipped on top of it slowly, feeling odd at the loss of contact with him, even if only for a moment. He told her to be comfortable, and she watched as he took his underwear off, as well as his socks. She let her eyes travel downwards his body and felt a mix of excitement and nervousness at what was to happen. What was happening.

He joined her in bed, reaching for the hem of her knickers and she bit her lip as he took them off. A quick breath left her as he looked down to her, from his position, still sitting whilst she was lying on the bed. His eyes were dark with love and desire as he took her in, or so she thought. He closed the distance between them with another kiss and leaned above her.

"You are beautiful," he breathed. "Exquisite."

Her hands went over his hair, then at his shoulders and chest. He was almost lying above her now. His own hands roamed over her body, his lips leaving hers to tend to a nipple. She felt a tightening inside her, an overwhelming need she didn't fully comprehend. His hand stroked her waist and around her belly button and downwards; her breath hitched and she shifted slightly, opening her legs just a little. She gasped when she felt his fingers on her. John groaned as well. They exchanged a smile at that, but Anna had to close her eyes at the sensations he was giving her. It was odd and felt good - too good. She bit her lip.

"No," she heard him say, and her eyes shot open. "Don't hide yourself from me."

Anna nodded, and a moan escaped her again. His finger moved faster, and she felt as if she was trapped, that she needed to find a release. Her hands clutched at his shoulders and her hips moved of their own accord. His other hand cupped her breast and she felt his lips below her ear.

And then she was tossing beneath him, falling into the abyss she hadn't known before but had needed with every fibre of her being. Breathing was hard now, and she was nearly panting by the time she could sense she was coming back to the moment. John's eyes were on her and they met.

"All right?" he asked. She didn't know why she felt like crying, and she nodded.

"I… John," Anna said in an urgent whisper, "I need you."

He nodded, settling on his forearms beside her head. She felt him moving above her, between her legs. She unconsciously opened them further apart, and felt him hot, right against her, right against where John had been touching. They both gasped.

His hand was brought to her face, and he tucked a few strands of hair beneath her ear.

"This… I'll go slow," he said.

He moved his hand between them, and she felt him against her again, further down. She kept her eyes on him as he moved; he looked as if he was concentrating very hard. His eyes were closed, and he had a frown on his forehead. She felt a tingling as he slipped inside her, so very slowly. Anna brought her knees up, hoping it would feel better this way. She felt as if he was stretching her, but it was not unpleasant - it didn't hurt, not really. It was just… a tad uncomfortable.

There was sweat between their bodies, and she tried not to move, not until he stilled completely. And he was filling her in the best possible way. When he opened his eyes, emotion betrayed him. She could imagine how he had thought about this, how it had been trying for him, to stop whatever they did before today. Perhaps this was a sin. But she didn't care anymore.

She reached up to kiss his lips softly. He shifted his weight a little, and she felt more tingling.

"I love you," she breathed, "I'm yours."

And then John moved back and thrust her again. Slowly, tentatively. She gasped.

"My darling," he said, kissing her, kissing her jaw, kissing her neck.

After a few moments, it stopped tingling. She moved with him - they found a rhythm of sorts, but she let him set it. He settled his head against her neck as he moved, and she tried to keep up with everything - to let it engrave itself in her memory forever. The way his hips rolled against her, his sweaty chest against her own, his touch on her skin, his words on her ears. It was all too much and at the same time, she needed more.

His pace quickened and then he groaned against her ear, his thrust quick and hard and she felt warmth inside her, coming from him, filling her with each thrust.

When his movements ceased, she tried to catch her breath. They could only hear their own breathing and she could only feel the smell of lovemaking in the bedroom. He looked down on her with care, slipping of her but still supporting himself to not crush her. A tear escaped her eye and he frowned.

"I'm fine," she said before he could ask anything. "I'm just so happy."

John moved to the side, an arm slipping against her waist and bringing her closer to him. She felt sticky and happy and loved. They were lovers now. Properly.

He kissed her temple as his finger traced her lips, her jaw, her hairline. "I love you."

She was his, completely now.

* * *

 _The SS Zeeland was an actual ship and I've found that it did the route from Liverpool to Halifax - until 1918. Let's pretend it was still working that route in 1919, okay? :P_

 _Next chapter: A letter is written in Downton, and John and Anna arrive in Canada._


End file.
